The 5 signs of trauma bonding why it is so hard to leave a toxic person

Hello beautiful souls,

I have been in a couple of relationships where I was indeed in this cycle, I understand the way it feels to be caught in this type of dynamic and Its not only confusing it can take a toll on your mental health.

We must take responsibility for who we are and what we are allowing in our relationships, so I am sharing with you today the 5 signs you are living in a relationship that is defined as Trauma Bonding.

Let’s start with getting clear on what trauma bonding actually is:

Trauma bonding occurs as the result of ongoing cycles of abuse in which the intermittent hot and cold behavior, reward, and punishment create strong emotional bonds that can be difficult to unhook. This pattern often stems from inner child wounds.

  1. You are settling for crumbs in the relationship because there is a push-pull dynamic going on. You are aware that you are receiving extraordinarily little emotionally and there seems to be this constant push-pull energy, its hot, its cold, he/she  is there, he/she  isn’t, it is all very uncertain most of the time

 

  1. A feeling that you are always walking on eggshells in the relationship. You are aware of the ever-changing dynamic and so you are unable to let yourself relax completely and the general feeling of walking on eggshells is always there. You know that this isn’t a normal functioning relationship, you know it by the way you FEEL and the fact you are aware of treading carefully is another sign this is not healthy

 

  1. There is a cycle of emotional addictions being played out which reinforces feelings of abandonment and rejection. You feel as though you are with 2 different people, one that can appear loving and another that is abusive and reactive, and even though it is turbulent and highly destabilizing you feel intensely hooked in. Your intellect is telling you to opt-out but emotionally you are driven into the relationship and sexual chemistry can be one of the reasons it can feel so intense as well. You become addicted to the emotions you are playing out. It is totally exhausting and yet we continue.

 

  1. The partner is unpredictable and unreliable, you do not feel you are in an emotionally and sometimes physically safe environment but lack the ability to end it because the emotional drives are hard-wired, because when they are treating you well you feel loved even if it’s only crumbs of attention of them being kind or loving its enough because when you are emotionally starved it feels satisfying to have just a few crumbs.

 

  1. The relationship is anchored in love and hate. On one hand, you feel all this love for the person and you focus only on what you want to see in the relationship, you convince yourself they will Improve and that it’s not so bad, other people have it worse, but then there are other times when you hate them, you see them for what they are doing and you tell yourself how awful they are and that is done and over, but then you are back on within days. They are also this way toward you. You live with them dancing between loving on you and hating on you. This one again is soul-destroying and the patterns continue.

 

So there are 5 of some of the most common signs lovelies that you are living in this dynamic so what do you do if this is you?

The first thing I would ask you is “are you wanting to break these patterns for life and heal the inner wounds within yourself that is allowing yourself to be in this cycle?  This decision is crucial because we can not heal something if we are not ready.

It is only when we take full responsibility for our own internal trauma patterns that we can really make a change. If you are with someone that is causing you sadness and suffering the first place you must begin is within yourself because it isn’t your fault someone is treating you badly but it is your responsibility to stop the cycle and say NO to any kind of unhealthy behavior.

Trauma bonding can be difficult to unhook from when you are not aware of what’s really happening. When you begin to do some inner child work and heal the younger aspects of yourself you can dissolve these unhealthy patterns. I always say to my clients you must always begin with self-awareness around YOURSELF, and how you show up in relationships. When you begin to go inwards and heal you can totally end this cycle for life.

I believe in you and remember YOU are the only one that can change the outcome of your life.

I am here for you

With love

Sally

4 tips in staying sane if you are going through a break up or dealing with a messy relationship

Good morning darlings,

I recorded a podcast about this situation and I received great feedback. If you haven’t listened to my podcasts you can find me on all platforms click here to listen…. anchor.fm/sallykalan .. The name of my podcast is called Relationships the Good & the Messy, Sally Kalan Show. I share lots of valuable information on all aspects of “Relationships”.

So on with today’s message for you lovely people. When we find ourselves  in a toxic situation it IS debilitating. It literally can suck the life out of us especially if it has been going on for an extended period of time. It can feel like a never ending battlefield of arguments and heightened states of emotions that leave us feeling as though we are literally going crazy, insane, but there are definitely ways to assist you through so let me share with you here what you can do.

1.Practice the art of pulling your energy inwards back to you.. We can expend so much energy on the external situation meaning we stay hooked into the drama, the pain and we begin explaining ourselves over and over not only to our current or ex  partner but to other people as well. We over think, we over analyse, and we drain our  internal resources by doing this. We get into a pattern of running on low energy and  it just becomes “the normal” as our mind is constantly focused on the outside situation right?  So let me show you how to begin to pull your energy inwards. Try this for a moment …Take a breath right now, take a moment to  feel totally at peace, you can focus on anything that normally cause you to feel calm, maybe its being in nature, playing with your pets, listening to music, whatever is your calm place & feel into your whole body and breathe in deeply through your nose and slowly out  through your mouth.  Place your hand on your heart and lovingly tell yourself, you are loved, and you are OK as you do this you will become more present and your energy is now going to be felt within  you and not away from you.. Notice  how you are feeling and where you energy is after you have repeated this a few times. This is a practice that is very simple and  will give you a sense of calm and balance as you practice this regularly.

 

2. Meditation. This is one of the single best things you can ever do for yourself and if you follow me then you will know that I rave on about this a lot. Having a practice such as meditation changes the chemicals in your own mind, it literally re calibrates the neural pathways in your brain causing a ripple affect of more inner peace, more creativity, less stress and anxiety, improved over all health, improved sleep to name a few of the benefits.  It is not a religious practice, but it has its roots in deep ancient practices of self realization. Meditation when practiced consistently will have a dramatic affect on your life. I began meditating over 10 years ago, and I have taught many people through my coaching practice  simple ways to incorporate meditation into their life.

I do know for many people the thought of meditating sounds  super boring, and I hear you because  I was also that person.. I didn’t believe it could do much for my life let alone transform it & I used to find it so difficult to concentrate without my mind wondering however I pushed through the uncomfortable & unfamiliar because I  knew if millions were healing and experiencing huge benefits from meditation  I knew it could happen for me and so I kept at it, and i am so grateful I stuck with it. So I urge you to give it a go.. Here is a simple exercise that you can practice each morning to begin to train your mind.. As soon as you wake get your self into an upright position making sure your spine is  straight, and with your eyes closed take a deep breathe in and then out, as you do this keep your focus only on the breathe. that’s it. sounds simple right, it is, but not always easy.The idea is to just keep focusing on your breath, if you notice your mind chatting away, bring your attention back to the breathe and keep going .Its all about extension of concentration. Being able to go longer and longer periods without an interrupted thought

 

3. Allow the other person to be right. Yes you read that correct. How much time and energy do we spend trying to get them to “get it”, way too much right, and here again is when it can feel as though we care going crazy. They say things that they know will trigger us and we immediately flare up wanting to defend ourselves and say our point of view. The problem is they don’t care, they are only interested in getting a rise, because its undoubtedly the pattern that has been playing out in the relationship, especially if you have been involved with a narcissist. So here’s what you do when they are blaming complaining and saying all whats up with you, you simply say one sentence ” I  can accept you faulty perception of me”, brilliant isn’t it? yep that’s  right. You are now in a place where your energy, your mental health is worth far more than being right or wrong and you know in your soul that your own self love is way more important. This response is going to absolutely keep you in your truth and help you feel more calm and centered. Its empowerment right there.

 

4. Have something in your life that you love to do & people around you who make you feel good. Finding ourselves in a toxic, or unhappy relationship  is without question difficult and at times soul destroying, but YOU WILL get through it and you will rise from it stronger and happier than before. It really can be a time of epic spiritual growth and a time where you grow more than you ever have in your entire life. This is why its important to remind yourself, that this will pass and that even though right now it may not feel great this is still your precious beautiful life and there are still moments and times to have joy and laughter. Sure some days you wont feel like doing much but other times you may want to and you may even be able to laugh at things that once really hurt you. Its important to stay connected to people that love and support you. Keep yourself busy with things you enjoy darlings. It doesn’t have to even be big epic things, but things you ENJOY to do. My thing was nature. I began going on hikes, not epic adventures but mini hikes and keeping  connected to the earth. I find this to be highly grounding for me and so good for the soul. Its all about balance. The truth is staying mindful through the process and self love care will be the best thing you can do for you.

 

Sending each and every one of you love love love.

please reach out to me if I can assist you on your journey via the contact form and remember always YOU ARE ENOUGH.

 

warmest Sally x

 

3 Mistakes you are making in your relationship

 

3 MISTAKES YOU ARE MAKING IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP/BLOG

 

Being somebody that was in pursuit of love for much of my adult life these 3 mistakes I am about to share were certainly lacking within myself and my relationships at the time. I personally feel our most intimate relationships can be a catalyst for epic transformation within ourselves and are purposely meant to show us how to love unconditionally, expand our own awareness and  evolve us more deeply into who we truly are. Our relationships undoubtedly can trigger us into our own unhealed spaces at times and it isn’t always sunshine and blue skies, even the most balanced loving relationships have their difficulties but they are always opportunities for personal growth, to push past our own comfort zone. Every relationship at some point in time requires patience, coherence, trust, honesty, vulnerability and a lot of laughter and most importantly you really need to like your partner, notice I use the world like because through the trials of life we ultimately want our best friend beside us we need to really like them, not just as a lover but as our soul mate the person that loves us even on our worse days. So with that being said lets dive into these 3 mistakes people are making in their relationship. I am mentioning these specific ones today as I feel if you get these on point  your relationship stands a great chance of not only lasting but in being one rich in love and abundance.. so lets dive in..

1. Needing a relationship is not the same as choosing a relationship

OK so here is the thing guys many people are seeking out love because they are needing something outside of themselves to fill the space within their own being. Let me explain a little further as its not often something you are consciously aware of,  when you are deeply in love with your life, happy being with yourself, you are not a person that is seeking out love from a place of need..  You are enough and you feel enough and you feel it right through your bones. You feel complete and are spiritually and emotionally connected within  so therefore you are not going to just settle for anyone who shows up on your path even if they are really nice right?  You are going to instead choose a partner based on your own values, your dreams, goals and desires. There is no urgency to fill a gap, to be with someone for the sake of being with someone, for example, meeting someone that has obvious traits that wouldn’t work big picture for you means you can say NO and filter out anyone else that doesn’t resonate to your core values and truth,  as opposed to opting in to a relationship  with that same person in spite of the obvious traits because you are feeling a need to be in a relationship. Sure that need may come from other pressures, such as getting to a certain age, wanting to start a family or maybe just not feeling worthy or good enough unless you do have a partner, whatever the reason is  it still comes from that place of need and this places pressure on any relationship before its even began, and usually not aligned to your truth.

A person who is choosing love shows up with an attitude of what can I give, when you are needing love you are showing up with an attitude of what do I need and of course this is all often on a subconscious level. This in its self puts a lot of expectation on the other person to supply happiness, love, security or whatever it is you may be needing and already that makes for a shaky foundation on which to build.

So the answers lovely people is to show up from a place of total choice and asking what can I give? wouldn’t you agree?

P.S  If you don’t feel your own  cup is full to give after reading this  and want to understand and learn more self love mastery please contact me via my website. Having your own cup full is absolutely essential to your own happiness darlings.

 

2. You don’t have your own passions and interests outside the relationship

OK so here is the deal I think it is great when couples hang out together and do their thing as couples do, its awesome and I am all for that. YES!! But, and its a big but, if this is all you have, meaning if you have no other passions dreams goals and your time is always interconnected with each other there will be tension and  problems if not now, later. Yes there is always exceptions and you may find 2 people share exact same interests and love to spend a lot of time together with their shared interests, but even then I personally feel you need your own time and space for you and other things. I believe it is imperative to have your own individual passions and also be supported and encouraged by each other.

Having interests you love to do with others or by yourself is healthy and necessary for deep inner completeness. No other one person can be the source of your happiness. I know married couples that only ever do things as a couple and I know that they both have their own desires and needs but out of some obligatory pact to each other they both spend little time on their passions and do things together with most of their free time and it is clear and obvious they are both not thriving because they are not pursuing their truths. I also have married friends where both people have their separate passions and they are both very full with their own individual loves and for each other, they recognize the importance of having their own passions and encourage and support each other.

So with that being said, what are your passions? What do you love to do? what sets your heart on fire? if you are unsure start exploring, find your joy, be curious, be open to new things, break free of the same patterns and try something new…

It is empowering and soul fulfilling having your own passions.

 

3. Not being present and engaging with each other

This is so super important guys….. Are you present with your partner? Do you take the time to totally lock eyes and listen in…

I know how busy your lives can be but I also know that having free time doesn’t always mean you are going to engage and be present with your partner either. Its as though we have forgotten about slowing down and connecting with each other, we are instead on auto pilot in our lives, not stopping to really LIVE IN THE MOMENTS especially with our own partners.

So what does being present really mean here? It means that you are consciously choosing time with each other without distraction, no phones, internet, or other distractions but a time that you can connect, listen, talk, share, laugh and fully engage. To truly listen to each other. For us women this is highly necessary that we have a partner that is willing to listen and have that emotional intimacy, right girls?

One reason women don’t want to engage in sex as men do is often due to the fact that they feel they don’t have the nurturing aspect of the relationship happening. If the only time you become present with your partner is to lay down for sex then it is not going to last, this is a huge mistake a lot of men especially make in their relationships. Connecting to a woman’s mind is far more satisfying than to her  Yoni. Do you agree? I do believe if I am honest both are as important but nothing is quite as satisfying as deep intimate conversations from the soul followed by deep pleasurable sex.

The great thing with choosing to connect mindfully and presently is that you build the intimacy and connection in these very present moments. Its a time to have great fun together too. Point 2 I discussed having your own passions and that it is super important but equally is the  quality time and “being present” time together. If you have children set time aside when its just you and your partner, once a week or month.

I will add though that its often all in the details. Noticing the little things he or she did that day, and letting that other person know, being present means you are paying attention and that is what good sold relationships are made of.

So to sign off for today lovely ones I want to recap my message in a few words. Mistakes don’t need to be mistakes, we can learn we can improve, we can  be the best version of ourselves every day so do this…

My message is simply

what can I give?

How can I support your dreams and passions?

How can i be more present with you every day and learn more and more

 

loving you all

Sally Kalan

 

Lets talk about sex!

LETS TALK ABOUT SEX

Well I am going to be raw and authentic and honest here.

I am not ashamed to admit that I have self pleasured from a young age and I still do. I love being in touch with my body and connected and I have no shame in saying so. I say this openly and honestly to cut through the bullshit and be real about my own sexuality and sensual expression and I say it with confidence and no shame, I do believe it is time we all embraced our sexual divine energy without fear or judgment, it is 2018 after all.

That being said today’s blog in not about my own sexual expression, that is for another time but it is about the fact that  great sex doesn’t mean it is a healthy loving nurturing relationship for you, let me explain.

I enjoy being intimate and sexual with one person. I enjoy the sensual connective feelings that it brings as well as the  closeness. I am  not somebody that enjoys sex for the sake of sex, I see no point when I can take care of myself more than adequately in that department.

I personally like to be intimate with one partner  and it to be exclusive but I have no judgement on how other people choose to love sexually as it is a personal choice.

The prompt for my writing today is having had a lot intense conversations with clients recently on  the power of love and sex. The truth is many people mistake great sex for love, including myself at one time, whether that is  you believing your partner must be in love with you because of the intense chemistry you share or whether its him believing he is in love with you because for him the sex is exceptional and he mistakes great sex for love or believes it is love.

I have experienced both situations. I have had a man tell me how deeply madly in love he was with me primarily because our chemistry was through the roof and he would constantly refer to how great” we were together ”  yet when I needed him emotionally, or  a soft place to fall he was rarely there, yet he believed he truly loved me and maybe he did in his own understanding of what love represents to him but for me it wasn’t a secure nurturing place that love brings but instead a continual series of intense sex sessions. It was SEX. Great sex but it was sex. I loved him but I soon realized that the chemistry/the sex had all the power in the relationship. Can you relate?

He insisted he loved me even when he was aggressive and angry at me, because in his mind the sexual energy meant it was love. Yet love is always respectful and kind.

I remember thinking countless times if I took away the great sex am I in love with him? Is he in love with me? Is this a life long partnership into old age? What do I actually love about his nature, what characteristics am I in love with?

The truth was the sex and chemical connection had clouded my judgment on an epic scale. It was intoxicating and addictive and lets not under estimate  the power of sex, after all sex sells right? and I had been sold because I was deluded in believing we had a soul connection because in the bedroom it was amazing. What had occurred was me allowing myself to be swept up in delusion. Sex had cleverly detracted from the very real toxic issues going on in the relationship.

Over a long period of time there were obvious clear signs that the relationship was not a healthy one. We weren’t able to communicate intimately in deep conversations about issues of concern, there were constant drama patterns being played out, it was all very exhausting. The problem however once in  the bedroom BOOM, problems temporarily forgotten as we got high on the rush of chemistry and it would all be  great again, Or would it ? Well of course no, not in the bigger scheme of things because eventually things do change, nothing stays the same.

You see sex alone can not  sustain a relationship over long periods of time. There needs to be great communication, shared values, respect, kindness, unconditional love,warmth, peace, a union of togetherness and being best friends because chemistry does and will fade.

In my case the chemistry lasted past the usual 2 years of what research shows to be the length of time when chemistry  between 2 people begins to shift and change, it lasted 5 or 6 years with me because we didn’t see each a lot of each other, 2 times a week maybe 3 or 4 , but sometimes we could go for weeks without seeing each other at all and then of course when we caught up it was like a first date again. So intoxicating. Eventually we moved in together and what I  had began to realize  prior the move, became massively obvious once we shared a home,

So I ask you today if you are staying in a situation because of the chemistry because of the sex, I want you to take some time to look at the big picture and other qualities you seek and to make sure that your partner represents a future past just the bedroom.

Don’t get me wrong, chemistry is super important and so is passion and connection but if the main reason you are still stuck in an ambivalent situation is because of the great sex I  urge you to look further into the future and ask yourself  what else do I totally love about this person aside from the chemistry because it is those deep down qualities and attractions that actually predicts the future of the relationship. Chemistry does and will fade you need to be spiritually and emotionally as connected as physically.

Love yourself, totally love and experience all of who you are and remember  you are allowed to have a great lover and a great partner all in one package.

with love

Sal x

Emotional Boundaries are a necessity

EMOTIONAL BOUNDARIES BLOG…….. Emotional boundaries  have been one of my biggest life lessons and I only wish I knew of them years ago. I can not emphasis the importance of having them, but when we don’t feel to good in the self worth department it can be difficult to even understand what they are.  I want to share a little bit of my own realization and some tips for you if you are unclear of your own.

I never understood the concept of what it meant to have emotional boundaries which is kind of devastating as I reflect back at my life and see in retrospect how different my younger years could have played out had I been able to reinforce some of my own I say this because I definitely took the long way around when it came to loving ME. I accepted truly poor behavior over and over in some situations because I felt unworthy and didn’t understand I even had a choice.

The truth was I didn’t have a relationship with myself.  I was very much outwardly focused on finding someone to love me, heal me, accept me, of course it was all very unconscious but that IS what I was seeking, in fact its all I thought about for many years.

I was unknowingly trapped within in a bubble of pain stemming from my early years and I was an anxious emotional person half the time, desperate for love, I truly believed finding a man was the answer to my happiness and it did not occur to me that I may need to filter out some people that weren’t so great. Emotional boundaries was something I was not familiar with.

You see when a guy showed up and said all the right things told me he loved ME that was enough for me,  it didn’t matter if I didn’t feel 100% sure about him, it didn’t matter if he yelled, got angry, couldn’t control his  temper, or if he called me names, because other times he was kind and loving, I know crazy right?  but this is what I accepted and as you can see zero boundaries.

There was no line in the sand of what was OK and not OK for me. I do remember thinking if a man ever cheated on me that he would be gone and so I guess you can say I had some idea of boundaries albeit in the deeper places of my mind, but here is the thing I did get cheated on and it was awful, and I felt like I was going to die emotionally but guess what? I opted right back in the moment he said all the right things. I remember being astonishingly aware of what I was accepting but my insecurities and fear allowed me to accept the unacceptable and yep no boundaries  meant I didn’t even know  what was right or wrong for me…. Imagine if I had those boundaries,  it would have been a case of GOODBYE because when you have them in place and they are crossed you automatically know to speak up and say enough ! Its a total self love act.

So here is the thing lacking emotional boundaries has its roots in not recognizing your own self worth. If you dont recognize your own value then how can you know what is or isn’t aok..So lovelies  I urge you to begin that journey today.  Its not always easy making a decision to essentially reclaim your life and start behaving in more loving ways towards yourself but it is  necessary for your emotional well being and happiness because this is your standard you are setting for yourself. Let it begin today.  You show people how to treat you by  what you are willing and not willing to accept so you must have a standard that reflects your own love..

Letting go of the old patterns and embracing the new means change and with change sometimes comes a bit of turbulence and uncertainty  and that’s OK the unknown is where great new things can birth from,  keep loving you through the rocky parts and reminding yourself of how self love is the foundation of great relationships,  remember you are so damn worth it so lean into the changes beautiful people

I want to offer some suggestions here in knowing yourself and what your boundaries are.. so my suggestion is to  begin noticing the conversations with yourself. Start a journal and let yourself write away all your thoughts.Make a list of what you have accepted in the past and what you will not accept t now. Get clear on what you will not tolerate. This is really a self loving exercise and what I know for sure is  self love heals in such an epic way and gives you the confidence and self awareness you need to set those healthy boundaries. .

For myself I have realized that loving Sally first is paramount to all my other relationships, and when I say loving Sally  I mean a full acceptance and embodiment of who I truly am, the good the bad the messy. It takes time to totally merge into the newer version of yourself, but immediately you will begin to feel more free more at peace and more yourself. It feels completely freeing to stand in your truth my darlings and know without a shadow of a doubt that you will not allow yourself to be treated poorly by anyone ever again,  Yes you have the power! and it begins the moment you DECIDE.

When you choose to fall madly in love with yourself instead of seeking a person “out there”  when you make a decision to forgive the past and forgive yourself for being so hard on YOU, when you recognize that YOU ARE LOVE and you are the one person who will always have your own back, its a reclaiming of your life,  set your standards in a way that reflects your own self love and everything changes.

What you must do NOW is live this way not just understand the concept here but be able to love yourself in a way that you would want to be loved by someone else. Its about starting from this very moment and saying out loud that you are going to love yourself every day, embrace all the parts of yourself and be proud knowing that should a situation arise where someone is not respecting you or crossing a line that you have the inner calm and strength to speak your truth. No apologies. That is your power and your truth. The old programs of your mind will often distract you into thinking like the old you but observe your behavior, observe as you watch the old pattern rise up, the old pattern of not good enough, and then in its p;ace step into the new version of yourself.. After a while those new behaviors will over ride the old self… Keep loving you and consciously choose YOU

As a side note, its important to remember when someone is disrespecting you its always showing who THEY ARE it is never about you, but how you RESPOND IS ALL ABOUT YOU SO LOVE YOURSELF GORGEOUS ONES and  set your standards with love in your heart.

Start your journal today and what I found super helpful was writing a list of behaviors that I accepted at one time, and then I had a bonfire and burned everything I was saying goodbye to.

You are amazing I love you

Sally