Well I am going to be raw and authentic and honest here.
I am not ashamed to admit that I have self pleasured from a young age and I still do. I love being in touch with my body and connected and I have no shame in saying so. I say this openly and honestly to cut through the bullshit and be real about my own sexuality and sensual expression and I say it with confidence and no shame, I do believe it is time we all embraced our sexual divine energy without fear or judgment, it is 2018 after all.
That being said today’s blog in not about my own sexual expression, that is for another time but it is about the fact that great sex doesn’t mean it is a healthy loving nurturing relationship for you, let me explain.
I enjoy being intimate and sexual with one person. I enjoy the sensual connective feelings that it brings as well as the closeness. I am not somebody that enjoys sex for the sake of sex, I see no point when I can take care of myself more than adequately in that department.
I personally like to be intimate with one partner and it to be exclusive but I have no judgement on how other people choose to love sexually as it is a personal choice.
The prompt for my writing today is having had a lot intense conversations with clients recently on the power of love and sex. The truth is many people mistake great sex for love, including myself at one time, whether that is you believing your partner must be in love with you because of the intense chemistry you share or whether its him believing he is in love with you because for him the sex is exceptional and he mistakes great sex for love or believes it is love.
I have experienced both situations. I have had a man tell me how deeply madly in love he was with me primarily because our chemistry was through the roof and he would constantly refer to how great” we were together ” yet when I needed him emotionally, or a soft place to fall he was rarely there, yet he believed he truly loved me and maybe he did in his own understanding of what love represents to him but for me it wasn’t a secure nurturing place that love brings but instead a continual series of intense sex sessions. It was SEX. Great sex but it was sex. I loved him but I soon realized that the chemistry/the sex had all the power in the relationship. Can you relate?
He insisted he loved me even when he was aggressive and angry at me, because in his mind the sexual energy meant it was love. Yet love is always respectful and kind.
I remember thinking countless times if I took away the great sex am I in love with him? Is he in love with me? Is this a life long partnership into old age? What do I actually love about his nature, what characteristics am I in love with?
The truth was the sex and chemical connection had clouded my judgment on an epic scale. It was intoxicating and addictive and lets not under estimate the power of sex, after all sex sells right? and I had been sold because I was deluded in believing we had a soul connection because in the bedroom it was amazing. What had occurred was me allowing myself to be swept up in delusion. Sex had cleverly detracted from the very real toxic issues going on in the relationship.
Over a long period of time there were obvious clear signs that the relationship was not a healthy one. We weren’t able to communicate intimately in deep conversations about issues of concern, there were constant drama patterns being played out, it was all very exhausting. The problem however once in the bedroom BOOM, problems temporarily forgotten as we got high on the rush of chemistry and it would all be great again, Or would it ? Well of course no, not in the bigger scheme of things because eventually things do change, nothing stays the same.
You see sex alone can not sustain a relationship over long periods of time. There needs to be great communication, shared values, respect, kindness, unconditional love,warmth, peace, a union of togetherness and being best friends because chemistry does and will fade.
In my case the chemistry lasted past the usual 2 years of what research shows to be the length of time when chemistry between 2 people begins to shift and change, it lasted 5 or 6 years with me because we didn’t see each a lot of each other, 2 times a week maybe 3 or 4 , but sometimes we could go for weeks without seeing each other at all and then of course when we caught up it was like a first date again. So intoxicating. Eventually we moved in together and what I had began to realize prior the move, became massively obvious once we shared a home,
So I ask you today if you are staying in a situation because of the chemistry because of the sex, I want you to take some time to look at the big picture and other qualities you seek and to make sure that your partner represents a future past just the bedroom.
Don’t get me wrong, chemistry is super important and so is passion and connection but if the main reason you are still stuck in an ambivalent situation is because of the great sex I urge you to look further into the future and ask yourself what else do I totally love about this person aside from the chemistry because it is those deep down qualities and attractions that actually predicts the future of the relationship. Chemistry does and will fade you need to be spiritually and emotionally as connected as physically.
Love yourself, totally love and experience all of who you are and remember you are allowed to have a great lover and a great partner all in one package.